#idk but it's still within the rules i set for myself...

[studentbyday]

Day 1 // 100 days of code

I told you I don't take aesthetic pictures... I didn't actually code today (but I finally finished all this week's submissions for chem today...) but I did read the description for cs50x readability. And I can't store all the info in my sleepy brain so I wrote things down. I still have more questions but Google needs to answer them. Preferably tomorrow. Got another covid shot today so I'm REALLY hoping I won't feel absolutely terrible tomorrow and for the next couple of days like every other covid shot before... But it's good knowing that my immune system will be smarter for it 😷👍 K goodnight

[fernsnailz]

hello! i was wondering how long you've been animating for? and what got you into storyboarding & comic making? do you have any tips for comic making (paneling) & animating?

i've been animating since i was a teenager but i didn't start animating consistently until college, so a little over 5 years! but i've been making comics since i was little, so animating and storyboarding just kinda came naturally from that.

my general advice for comics is that it's all about flow and timing! flow is about determining the right pacing for your scene as well as making it readable. usually the panels flow from one into the other - like in the example below (by tracy yardley who is REALLY good at this stuff), the motion of the characters leads into the next panel, and the speech bubbles also line up with where the action of the panel naturally leads.

obligatory archie sonic mention complete

timing is just as important and can be conveyed in a number of different ways in comics. usually with my work, the size of the panel indicates how long i imagine the moment is. so a small panel is a short moment, and a large panel requires a bit more time.

long moments can also be split into multiple shorter moments if you break it up into numerous panels.

paneling itself can be pretty tricky - i tend to break a lot of my pages up into thirds first (at whatever proportion you need), then arrange whatever panels i need within those thirds.

these aren't really rules that are set in stone, just a few things that i've found have helped me. you don't need to fill a whole page with tons of Stuff for a comic - it's all about figuring out how you want your story to flow through the page's space. same with storyboarding, that flow and timing is important in an even more literal sense because storyboards flows through actual time, not just space on a page.

idk if any of this makes much sense so. i also highly highly recommend the Comics Devices Library for other elements and principles you can use lol it's very good 👍

i don't have as many tips for animating since 1) i consider myself to be a comic/storyboard artist first and an animator second, and 2) animating is. very complex lol. if you're new to animating then i suggest starting SMALL and trying out some beginner animation exercises and the 12 Principles of Animation.

if you're already an animator and just looking for general advice then uhh. idk arcs are important. arcs are SO fucking important do not forget that most motions move in some sort of arc. also remember to label your keyframes and looping animations. and put secondary actions and limbs on different layers if you don't want to go crazy. also animate your character's eyes and pupils moving if a shot feels too still. yeah that's all i got good night tristate area

[fictionfixations]

riddle's mom is a hypocrite

I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING

RIDDLES MOM IS A RULEBREAKER

(is there a chance that they dont use the queen of hearts rules in the queendom of roses? yes. do i care? no.)

made this realization from this vid so ill be using it as screenshots too since i cant be bothered to go back myself

[EVIDENCE]

1: This line right here proves that at the moment, it is currently his birthday.

2: He expresses his desire to eat a strawberry tart.

3: Riddle Rosehearts' mother scolds him for speaking his mind freely.

4: She proceeds to restrict him to only being allowed to eat a certain amount of food.

5: And doesn't give him a choice to choose what to eat.

6: She still isn't permitting him to intake more than the limit she set, and gives him no room to go against it.

7: Again, Riddle expresses a desire to eat a strawberry tart on his birthday. But his mom refuses to listen to him.

Now, what does all of that mean? Well, let's take a moment to look at his Birthday Boy voicelines...

What does that say? "The Queen of Hearts' Rules state that you may eat whatever you like and speak freely on your birthday."

So where has his mother violated the rules?

One: Not allowing the birthday person to eat whatever they wish, that being a strawberry tart.

Two: Not allowing the birthday boy to speak freely, in which she refused to listen to his input, and proceeded to steamroll over any other attempts by limiting what he was allowed to eat, and by how much.

Considering their area of residence, that being the Queendom of Roses, I believe that's cause to assume that in some shape or form, the Queen of Hearts' rules exist within that country. Even if no longer strictly enforced, that this shall be taken in mind as another blatant disregard for the law, and a point against the defendant.

I rest my case.

---

okay i havent seen that many court videos i dont know how they work but i just had to.

it feels. fitting.

i think parts of evidence are referred to as something. like, idk. Subject A for example? but i cant remember what theyre called so im just labeling it by numbers

[cracklinhaze]

hello!!! i LUV your fics. what's your process for outlining/posting? do you like to set a schedule?

thxxx !!!!

wassup anon <3

schedule

for my one-shots, those babies are all over the map. sometimes one gets stuck in development hell for a longass time, like the birds will still sing. other times, i have a random burst of insanity at three in the morning and scribble out where you don't see me like i'm possessed by the triangle himself.

for my longfics, like The Lying Game, i try to be a little more consistent. i usually update within 1-2 weeks of the last chapter depending on length, work, life, etc.—hint, chapter six is entering the final editing phase ;) of course, sometimes shit happens and there will be a longer break, but... i try. gods, i try.

i do keep an in-fic calendar for longfics! here's a peek at The Lying Game's schedule of events:

outlining

for outlining, i tend to script out my fics -- which makes sense since i am formally trained in screenwriting. it was my college major! (*parents everywhere boo loudly*)

i'll often scratch out the scenes i want in the chapter or one-shot, sometimes with a few lines of dialogue or just a short description and then i can move them around/fill it all in as the inspiration strikes.

the other thing i will often do for outlining is stating the purpose of the chapter or the subtext i want to hit, just as a reminder for myself when i'm writing. i talk to myself ALL the time in my document, very informally, as i build out what the point of each scene or chapter is:

and finally, i create an outline at the end of my documents with space for random dialogue that pops into my head, as well, so i have a list of interactions to pick from if it fits well in a scene.

a few insane examples from TLG:

this is also where i can place any dialogue/writing i cut from a chapter, just in case it works somewhere else!

it's not a NEW writing ideology by any means, but i like to live by the "don't force it" rule -- if i'm not having fun writing a scene, chances are it'll drag for the reader, too. so sometimes, it's just about restructuring the puzzle pieces so that it fits together in a way that moves on both ends.

also, yes i write on black pages with blue text. idk. it was something i started doing for eye strain and never stopped!

---

thanks for dropping by and thank you for reading <333

xoxoxo

[justajsworkshop]

I had gone into a slump with the whole forcing myself to feel good and repeated conscious fulfillment to get back into the state and making it natural. I felt like I was forcing everything and it was very exhausting.

I used to be hyper aware of my thoughts and feelings and kept doubting myself, I just could not trust that I was doing it right. And that’s when I had a moment where I thought that despite knowing that ‘I’ am just awareness, I was putting too many limitations on myself. I was still confining mySELF to a set of rules to achieve something. What I was not doing was trusting I AM. And that imo, is the only ‘requirement’. Be still and know. This is something that is often ignored but I’m starting to realize that it might be the only thing to be done.

I’ve been feeling so light and free since letting go of all these self imposed limitations. If I AM is everything and Creation is Finished then why does fulfillment have to be something that has to be achieved. Idk where I’m going with this but its funny because all of a sudden, I dont feel the need to read any more posts or watch any more videos on the law. I AM the law of being, besides me there is no law. I AM that I AM.

you’re reflecting back everything that’s changed in me in the past 48 hours or so. i stopped feeling the urge to watch manifestation content, including tom’s stuff, or to even listen to subs tbh. i trust in nothing more than my conscious choice of being. i might dip into tom’s content here and there, but i don’t feel like i need to because im missing anything.

we like to over complicate things by thinking we have to undergo a process to get things or that we have to do to make things happen when the law above all laws is the law of being: who and what are you conscious of being. self concept work isn’t just to speed up your manifestations or to make things easier. self concept work is literally all there is because everything that’s manifested IS a reflection of who you know yourself to be. there’s only one being here, and that being is you.

every desire is a divine urge for god to know itself as god—for the changeless one being to know itself as all that is by experiencing another single vantage point within the infinite ones available. you are and have always been your greatest desire. mega congrats on this awakening within yourself. because now you get to have and be anything since you already know yourself as everything.

[freckliephil]

Do you realize you have poc mutuals and it hurts that you have not said anything in support to the discussion, but instead said people should log off? People are mad but if you don't want to reblog vent posts you can still just... say the obvious, that people shouldn't be racist here. Otherwise saying you're not racist means nothing and does not make this space safer for anyone. And I really, really mean this in the most non-violent way possible. (Also fine if you don't answer this, just a heads-up anyway)

Im gonna be so fr right now and then im going back to work. Ive been on tumblr for 10 years. Ive been engaging in fandom for longer. i can say with complete confidence that fandom tumblr is not the hill to burn yourself out and die on re: activism and racial justice.

Its absolutely disgusting and unacceptable that poc phannies are getting sent slurs and anon hate. Idk how else to put it - it sucks and im disappointed its happening in a fan community im part of. But like, idk what exactly there is for anyone to do other than be aware of what you can, not be a dick, or log out? Like, idk what is being asked of me other than to not actively be a racist asshole myself?

Tumblr sucks, i fucking hate it here 80% the time, this place is a literal nightmare echo chamber and it’s hardly gotten better if at ALL in the decade ive been here. Idk if this is noticeable, but i really dont spend a lot of time here in general. I just started a full time job in a new field, i have partners and friends and a busy ass poly schedule that leaves me like 2-3 hours a day of downtime IF THAT. Sometimes i use that time to browse tumblr or shit post with my friends, but being active on tumblr and staying up to date on the goings on of people i dont know or talk to online is reaallllyyy not my priority. I literally dont read OR make posts on tumblr over 3 paragraphs as a pretty loose rule - this is not my news source, nor is it somewhere i want to go to read or engage in people’s tumblr brainrot induced lukewarm takes about real issues that require things like nuance and self awareness. I got a Gender studies degree for that. I have my real life community for that. Yall dont know me and i dont know you, and respectfully, im not getting paid to keep up with these things.

I fully stand by my statement that we should all just log out. I dont want poc phannies to burn themselves to the ground fighting with idiots who wont change, at least not in this setting or this context. I dont want people, either random white phannies trying to avoid blame OR dan and phil themselves, to put out half hearted statements about racism. This shit is serious, its complex, and it’s not something i personally can commit to changing or even keeping up with IN THIS CONTEXT. There are more pressing issues in the world we live in for me that have nothing to do with fandom or tumblr politics or fucking dan and phil. I’ll acknowledge that it fucking sucks, and im genuinely sorry to the poc phannies who are getting the shitty end of the situation as they often are. i dont want anyone to be run out of phannie tumblr nor do i think the solution to racism is to just go “oh well, people never change, time to give up and shut up” BUT i also really dont know what this call to action is really for if the issue at hand is…anon hate?? dan and phil not *maybe not going to latam or asia on a tour?? stuff dan and phil said a long time ago?? Like, correct me if im wrong, but those really aren’t issues in my control, and as much as i wish anyone’s words could have a real affect on them, they just wont. All you can do is reduce harm with the tools at hand - turn off anon, build community with people you trust and get to know them as people and not URLS, literally log of and go get some air, find communities you can have real dialogue and action within. Thats all i know how to cope, and all i can recommend doing.

Im not trying to be an ass or say this isn’t important, i just really dont think the answer to this issue is to go into people’s ask box and demand they say something when you literally dont know them or their lives. not everyone has endless time to engage in complex discussions on tumblr, and i really truly believe begging people to say SOMETHING is completely unhelpful when these issues are so sensitive. I really hope things change and i wish i had more time to actually get into it or form helpful, productive opinions other than this, but i dont.

[benis-chillin]

Marvel's Spider-Man Remastered-2025 Backlog Special

Platform: Steam Deck

December 25th, 2024-January 13th, 2025

So as I mentioned in the 2024 look-back post, I was gifted a Steam Deck out of the blue for Christmas, which means the majority of my picks for this year's list were made within my old limits on PC games. I always leave room for whims, of course, but the majority of those whims will be in the 2025 post.

However, I've put so much time into THIS one that I figured I should make an exception. Hey, I did with Sonic Superstars last year, so why not? My blog, my rules.

I admittedly already knew the story somewhat going in, as I was a poor boy Spider-Man fan back in 2018 who didn't have no PS4. So, I just watched the cutscenes on YouTube like anybody would, and that made me a fan right away.

Heck, I have the 3.75 inch Gamerverse 2-pack Hasbro made in my collection. It's among the last Marvel Universe figures they made, and like most of the Gamerverse line, it was a pretty sweet last hurrah. Still need to get that Mega Man and Iron Man pack, though.

The knowledge going in didn't hamper the story, though. If anything, it helped due to a certain change I made that I'll discuss in a little bit. One thing cutscene compilations can't capture, though, is how dynamically you feel like Spider-Man during the main campaign. Frequently, most objectives are just the next step in PETER'S life, but a crime will spawn that SPIDER-MAN needs to stop, so Peter ends up being late to his personal obligations. Admittedly, the game just waits for you on these tasks, so I'm not sure it was intentional, but it DID help my immersion a bit.

Speaking of gameplay, it's good, but not without quibbles. One big thing I noticed is that it's very dependant on web zips. I don't crawl on the walls or ceiling that much, but rather zip around to perches to get a good angle to do a takedown. I frequently find myself without sufficient building height to swing from, so I just zip to get around. Hell, the web strike takedown is just a big zip.

But of course, there are random spots, especially during stealth sections, where you can't find a place to zip to in time, so you'll just be exposed for no reason. It's really annoying. Wall crawling is just overall unrefined, when even the Amazing Spider-man game on the freaking 3DS had it down just 6 years prior, so idk what was up with it here.

Combat is also very webbing dependant, I find. The more advanced you get, the more it just becomes a game of dodging, then webbing people to walls or other objects rather than fighting them. Well, either that or knocking them off of a rooftop, the old classic.

I make it sound a bit less complex than it actually is, but I can't deny that it makes me raise my eyebrow and go…"Huh."

(The near constant glitches did NOT help matters)

Though if you want me to talk about a low point for the game, look no further than Miles' and MJ's sections. I like them as characters(well, maybe a BIT less on MJ), but as PLAYABLE characters? HELL NO!

The game is built around being SPIDER-MAN. I do not want to play as Powerless McHuman, who dies if you look at them funny. I tried to tolerate them, but quickly learned how frustrating it is to mod on a Steam Deck to take these sections OUT.

And the mod STILL lied to me, because it made me do MJ's section in the Heist DLC anyway!

I suppose the biggest crime this game commits is having some of the most "modern writing" I have seen in a while. It's not ALL bad. In fact, I'd say it mostly works, but it has a few moments of "you really did NOT think of the full implications of this, did you?"

For example, Spidey setting up spy towers for the police. It's mainly an in-universe justification for a gameplay feature, but it comes off as Big Brother Spider-Man violating the privacy of New York's citizens. Overall, Spider-Man is just very cop-like in this game, to the point where even someone fairly moderate like me was put off by it.

They try to counter it via the Sable guys, being like, "Oh hey, they're…Kicking people out of their homes! Aren't they SO much worse!?" and I'm just like, "Guys, we can BOTH be terrible."

There was also the odd lack of consequences for MJ's actions. Like, she enters Fisk's art gallery under false pretenses, causing a legal kerfuffle for the Bugle…And they just go, "Alright, go ahead keep doing that!"

Huh?

And again, during the Turf Wars DLC, MJ gets all of this private information about Yuri, and is like, "Damn Peter, the actual crime in the city just isn't interesting enough, so I gotta pitch the personal life of your friend who's going through an obvious mental breakdown to my editor!" and Peter's like, "Aight, cool."

PETER, YOU SPINELESS SIMP!

Yuri's turn to vigilante murder is also a bit suspect. "The system works most of the time, but not in every case."

Well, yeah, duh! Everybody knows that! We mainly have it because "everyone gets their day in court" is the best we've come up with so far. If you're a cop, THAT should be your main motivation. You are agreeing to represent a system, whether you think it's flawless or not. Are you telling me you were the CAPTAIN and didn't know that?

And to finish our female bashing session…Screwball. I hate her wholeheartedly.

Her CHALLENGES are annoying, her VOICE is so annoying that I had to mute voices whenever she was on-screen, as I would otherwise be bombarded with, "PHOTOBOMB! PHOTOBOMB! PHOTOBOMB! PHOTOBOMB! PHOTOBOMB!"

And on top of all of that, HER CHARACTER MAKES SO DAMN SENSE.

She debuts in a story mission where she claims to have kidnapped someone, drives people to run out and cause mayhem in the streets, and doesn't tell that it's all a prank until the end. And then, they're like, "What can we do with her? She didn't break any laws!"

YES! YES SHE DID! SHE CAUSED A PUBLIC PANIC! If this doesn't get her arrested, it would at least get her booted off of any platform she's currently on(we know she's monetized, and nobody big enough to bring in the big bucks would want to advertise on a site where people are kidnapped and have bombs strapped to their chests, as we see her do later). Streamers who pull this crap get instantly cancelled, or at the very least, quickly demonitized. We have history for this. Nobody would be getting away with the crap she pulls. One way or another, Screwball would be tried in the court of public opinion, and digitally hanged.

This is not a commentary. This is a farce.

So, here's my reviewer quote:

"Marvel's Spider-Man Remastered will make you hate women."

-Benis Chillin, 2025

Overall, I'd say this is a good game, it's just that…Well, it ain't perfect, and I feel like the flaws show a bit more now that it's settled in.

8/10

And next time…I've nearly finished it, so probably Ducktales Remastered as we enter the actual list! See ya then!

UPDATE 1/23/25

DUCKTALES TOO LAME FOR NON-END OF YEAR LIST REVIEW, METROID PRIME 2, BABY!

[godtier]

Xbox showcase thoughts summary thingy, several hours later:

COD BOPS 6: one day I'll play these games (i've heard from multiple ppl that the storylines in black ops specifically are rly good) but no opinion rn tbqh

doom: the dark ages: very weird pivot??? kinda curious about it. of all the settings they could have chosen to toss the doomguy in, medieval fantasy wasn't the one I was expecting...! art direction looked good, but still kinda gave me "this is the Christmas episode" vibes, like jazz the jackrabbit having a holiday reskin... except instead of a holiday reskin, it's medieval times... hopefully that makes sense lmao

state of decay 3: not very familiar with this series so meh... looked like any other generic zambie shooter to me, but inb4 ppl holler at me about the games bein rly good

dragon age: the veilguard: no real opinion. i played the original dragon age for like, an hour when it was newish, never finished it lol

starfield DLC: that's nice ig

fallout 76 expac/updates: that's nice ig

clair obscur: expedition 33: looks interesting? but idk if this would be a game i'd be into. it appears to be a turn-based RPG and it's based off of la belle époque era of french art/architecture, so the art design looks baller? and the monster designs look interesting. i'll have to keep an eye out.

south of midnight: now this? this one looks hella interesting. the art style is kinda weird; the cutscenes seemed to be at a lower FPS so it almost looks like stop-motion? but i couldn't tell if that was uh... purposefully or not LMAO. but other than that, the setting is really weird and interesting! almost like bayou horror combined with fantasy nonsense monsters and stuff... and i liked the dynamic of the lead character and the monster guy who was ferrying her around. gameplay looks okay, but hopefully it handles well. i might very well get this one when it comes out.

WOW: the war within: no interest in this tbh

metal gear solid: snake eater remake: looks fine? never rly got into MGS myself, but it looks nice

sea of thieves expac: that's nice ig

flintlock: the siege of dawn: simultaneously looks interesting and generic so idk how they managed that. i like the idea of the little companion thing expanding your moveset options, but i feel like this isn't doing anything new per se. meh

age of mythology retold: was not expecting this asspull tbh LMAO. for those who aren't aware, this was a game microsoft developed and released in 2002, so it's basically a remaster. but idk who was asking for it... not that it's a bad game, but it was released in a sea of other similar games at the time. maybe that's why? i feel like there's a bit of a dearth of these games for console/PC, maybe? tho tbh i feel like this style of game is way more prolific on mobile devices... at least it's not a mobile port!

perfect dark: this one was really weird... like, microsoft owns rare, but crystal dynamics is developing this? idk if this is a soft reboot or a sequel to the last game, but it looked fine? i was never into perfect dark (either on n64 or xbox) but it looks like a solid stealth action game... just not one i have much interest in atm

diablo IV: vessel of hatred: okay, so real talk: i haven't played diablo since i was a kid on a windows 95 machine lmao so i'm so far removed from Current Day diablo. but that being said, the opening trailer was pretty dope. it was nasty, uncanny body horror and it certainly held my attention. this is an expac to a game i've never played, and iirc diablo IV is online-only crap, which blows. but the art direction in this trailer was probs my favorite, just removed from the fact it's for a video game expac lmao

fable: sure looks like a fable game. i never rly got into them (this is a running theme can you tell lmao) but the trailer was charming enough, i guess.

fragpunk: now this is ANOTHER team-based FPS (or "hero shooter"), but the gimmick looked intriguing. changing the game's rules at the start of each round definitely sounds like it would keep things interesting, but i wonder how it would suss out with multiple people using abilities at once? idk, the art direct looked nice, gameplay footage looked As Expected. we'll see

winter burrow: mouse game

mixtape: ???? i have no idea what this game is LMAO it appears to be set in the 80s, and they touted how the game's soundtrack would have a bunch of music from bands n shit from the era... but one of the bands they listed was the smashing pumpkins...??? huh??? like idk what they were smoking, but they're off by a decade there LMAO. but other than that, it just looked like nothing. a life sim?? idk what the story is? idk anything other than "music from the 80s is good, also look at this choppy animation because it's aesthetic ig" and that's all i got from it

microsoft flight simulator 2024: looks fun! the ability to explore the areas you're flying by after landing sounds like it could be fun and cozy. this series is ancient and i never rly got into it, but this entry might tempt me just bc it looks fun

elder scrolls online: this was an ad LMAO

life is strange: double exposure: okay, again, never had any real interest in this series but i might check this one out. i like murder mysteries and the flipping back and forth between the realities looks fun

indiana jones and the great circle: it exists

mechabreak: saw this at the SGF, it's a mecha game

wuchang: fallen feathers: i was starting to check out by this point, but rewatching the trailer, it's yet another game that has nice art direction and that's all i can really say about it

avowed: same as above: nice art direction and character designs, but not much else to say right now

atomfall: british fallout

asscreed: shadows: asscreed

s.t.a.l.k.e.r. 2: heart of chornobyl: was not expecting to see another entry in this series, but it looks intriguing. i like these types of settings, so i may check it out

gears of war: e-day: it's a gears game. i tried gears of war ages ago, it didn't really grab me so i never went back to it

so all in all? there wasn't a lot of hype for me personally because a lot of these series are either ones i've tried and didn't get into, ones i haven't played since i was a kid, or ones that i never even bothered to try. in all honesty, the newer titles were more interesting to me than most of the established franchise stuff they showed off.

however, i think there's a lot for people to get excited about if they already like some of these franchises. lots of updates to stuff, so i'm sure that there's excitement to be had for that.

the titles that ended up catching my attention/interest the most ended up being doom: the dark ages, south of midnight, s.t.a.l.k.e.r. 2, microsoft flight simulator 2024, fragpunk (morbid curiosity more than anything else tbh) and maaaaybe clair obscur.

not a total waste of time, but nothing too hype-inducing for me.

[agxldenflxwer]

feeling of missing him

um so i was this close to texting you today. like i really wanted to tell someone, but to be honest, i just wanted to tell you. like idk why, even if we don't talk anymore, i feel like anything i say to you you would leave me feeling fulfilling. like anything i'd say to you and i wouldn't regret telling you about it. that's how it felt talking to you. and i wished i never ruined the simple friendship but soon flourishing friendship we shared but i did. or you did. or we did.

anyways, every day i feel this pang within my chest. this pang that urges me to reach out, to break the no-contact rule i'd secretly and uninentionally set myself. i know you wouldn't text me first, after all, we broke because you had texted me. so you wouldn't dare to place me into trouble.

that need to talk to you -- some days its overpowering. that's when i have to converse with my friends. not to defeat it (it cannot be attainable) but to make it smaller, by making my other emotions bigger. i cannot seem to rid my thoughts of you, and the only time i found peace was during the holidays where i didn't see you every day. and now i must survive through another year. while you go further and further forward, and i fall further and further behind.

hahah, on our day. that day, you spent an entire day with another girl. haha that didn't hurt me at all. or the night before, throughout the midnight and early dawn, you spent an entire night talking to another girl. wow. i must mean nothing to you.

but i should mean nothing to you. i made myself force you to perceive me as nothing. so i shouldn't be pondering those things now. i let you go for a reason but why is it that when i look at your face i find it so difficult to recall that reason? why is it that i will, more than anything (apart from my future and my God) that you talk to me? that you face me? why must we make eye contact every so often yet you do not talk to me. you asked me if we could still be friends. but….we are acting like strangers. complete, utter strangers. gosh. what would it take for you to utter a single word to me?

what would it take for you to laugh at me? smile at me? look at me? what would it take???

[demonfuck]

depression taking a weird shape for me this winter

Read More

i'm trying to do what i want while i'm still alive to do it. it's sort of an apathetic reason to live and i'm never deeply motivated to take real good care of myself. if something's gonna kill me, it can. it's whatever

i love storytelling as much as i do. i sort of enjoy studying every aspect of story. what makes it compelling, what keeps you listening, what makes it fun, what makes it worth your time

stories aren't real, i think. the story my parents told by naming me. the story of soulmates, the rules of romantic and sexual attraction, the idea that you're destined to an opposite gender partner to produce offspring with. that shit was fake. the story of nationality, the story of family, the story of god

it all happens, it all literally happens and people act and people believe and impact the world, reality, with those actions. but i don't believe the story, now

like, the story my parents tell by naming me. that my body is labelled by this set of sounds, shapes and letters, written down on a very important piece of paper and put in all sorts of systems and it comes at you from so many angles that it feels MORE than real. it feels ancient and forever

i won't go into detail but i feel the same way about being an American and also a human. listen i will go into a little detail: human is a made up word that we made up to describe what we are. guess who has the power to adjust that definition, or to determine that i do not fit within it? that's right, anybody. everybody. idk this is a pill that is easier or harder to swallow depending on the steps you took to realize you're not human. yes, you are literally the species you are. whether that's dogboy or catgirl or robot or crab or your OC or my OC. we believe and communicate and love and respect , maybe at first just on the basis of love and encouragement. but i'm a scientist and i just want to get it on the record that while it may take Less Cool People a few more decades or centuries to realize this ONLY AFTER body modding makes the distinction more physically obvious, the people who identity as non-human are already what they say they are.

not that you HAVE to physically transition to become non-human, btw, the trans girl doesn't ever have to "physically transition" because girls can have dicks and testosterone just like my dog friends can have skin and speak human and use a computer

(also the other thing being: you can physically remove every part of your body and replace it with something else and still be human. obviously. just wanted to make it more obvious by saying it)

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i am beyond exhausted by a sort of... endless pursuit of quality. i don't mean i'm exhausted by my own pursuit for quality, i'm exhausted by the concept. shiny drawing, pretty music, good fashion, fuck that shit. fuck everything that was ever good or bad. i'm playing. i'm just playing. sometimes that play is enhanced by a pursuit for excellence, improvement, even competition is fun, obviously, obviously it's fun. i guess i'm tired of fun

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going forward i might like to realize that stories and what's real aren't mutually exclusive. i just... spent so long uprooting every hook that Big Storytelling got into my body, and tending to the wounds it leaves for months and years. all the weird shit my parents believed about gender and race and the world and the individuals living on it. idk, i watched barber westchester last month and jonni phillips interview about the danger of stories last week, you got me

i'm constantly art blocked by this unresolved contradiction in my heart. that stories are fake and also the only place i seem to thrive. that my abilities have no use in the real world, because my abilities pertain to stories, and stories are fake. am i good at something?

i'm not taking good care of myself. the physical labor of my job is killing me. just having to walk to work isn't good for me, at least not in the winter. i'm struggling to pick examples to give because it's not just one or two things that will be the end of me, it's everything. everything might be what gets me in the end, it's everything i'm apathetic to. i'm apathetic to my ending. it will come when it comes, and i can't say honestly that i tried very hard with the life i was given. i tried to have fun anyway

i'm not like.. disappointed in myself or anything. i'm an animal on a big rock, let me sip from a stream and lay in some grass and i'll have done everything i was supposed to with my life and then some.

i want to believe that i can do more than that, and that if i did it would matter. i'm not personally capable of like, stopping The Organizations That Exist from doing the evil things they do. obviously i'm not capable of that on my own, they have had time and money and power to prepare and sniff out and snuff out truly revolutionary activity for generations. i feel quite fucked? maybe community organizing stands a chance, we're capable of more together than we are on our own. i think the next years of my life should be focused on that aspect of things

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it feels like, probably, based on how i've existed and acted for the last few years, i don't believe the story of friendship. my brain struggles with this, because i'm supposed to respond when people talk to me, and i respond pleasantly if possible. and i sort the memory into a pile of things that don't matter and can be forgotten, because while it was a bit of a scary experience, i made it thru alright and can safely forget the stressful memory behind me. but the people i talk to remember me and consider me their friend. i don't know what to do about this. it happens a lot. i'm sorry if you know me, but i'm not too sorry, because you get to enjoy the luxury of not being me

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so long as things are developing, internally, i find new things to try. and i get better at things i've practiced. that's fun. that generates interest. i'll go to work tomorrow and try to succeed at the metrics they measure me by there, and when i'm not at work i'll try to find the faults in my methods and beliefs that keep me from existing as vibrantly as i'd prefer. it will be really amazing if those efforts go somewhere and i can have new conversations that have impactful consequences. however far words can go, at least.

but i'm depressed. i'd like to spare a moment to consider the fact that i am depressed. at the moment, for the last month or so, this spiral of depression has left me without anti depressants, without estrogen, without phone service, and several factors leave me desiring unemployment, i want to let go of things that require effort that i hate. i don't care, lose my job, lose my house. the worst possible thing that can happen is death, because death is boring. if i fuck everything up and have to struggle to survive, at least that would be stimulating. instead i work and spend my free time pondering "does revolution demand socialization? do i have to get over it and work with others towards goals?"

i consider giving up and struggling, and even dying could seem preferable to struggling when the struggling gets bad enough

before this year i wanted to live like Henry Darger. just write piles, pages upon pages of stories, filling up my room, every corner of my house, consuming all the data on my google drive. then i could die and maybe someone would find my art after that, and maybe i could be allowed to dream that someone WOULD find my art someday

right now i don't know. what i felt then was that my work doesn't matter in the present. what i feel now is maybe it doesn't matter ever. i had my fun, exploring aspects of art and storytelling. i wrote a comic, a game, a book, sang some albums, scribbled drafts for other things too

i feel like whatever i have practiced, i haven't figured out how to enjoy life. i never took much interest in taking care of myself, and while i'm interested in the idea of taking care of others, i don't know how to. i provide some access to myself hoping that my jokes and ideas and conversation can help in ways. but now i'm suffering deeply from this depression. i find myself looking for ways to make any of this easier on myself. that i have to put in some effort to make it easier. i'm always so on my fucking own with this, because i have no family. so when i hit rock bottom my only option is to crash and burn and wait for the fire to go out and wait until i have enough energy to get up again.

i'm heading for a crash. it's nice to think that i'll be a virtuous person if i survive this. do my good intentions make me worthy of needing help? i hope i didn't structure this in a way that was pleasant or compelling to read. how has the quality of my suicidal vent posts changed over the years?

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i'm fortunate to be loved. i love with specificity, intensity, and an extremely open mind. the love i receive is not "undeserved", per se. it just feels like the love i give is ineffectual. it lacks quality. i'm still practicing. i hope i'm okay tomorrow. i can't imagine sleeping tonight but i'm sure i'll manage.

it's nice to believe no one will read this, it's nice to believe someone will read this. it's nice to think i could die tonight. i could. everytime i "make" something for the past couple months, i wonder a lot if i won't die before finishing it. it leaves me finishing each piece with a sense of "at least i got this out there before i died". but then i'm still alive a day later, a week later, a month later, living with the inconsequence of my actions

okay, i don't have much else to say tonight. or i'm just running out of steam. i always have more to say. especially when i'm out of weed. i write a lot more on social media when i'm sober. it's stimulating. i hope that doesn't change too much of what i've said. internet; i use you, i love you, goodnight

[cottoncandysecretlair]

Just rediscovered the fact that slime shops are still a huge thing and that people are still buying lots of slime.

Can't help but think about when I was in high school and spent like all my lunch money every week on ingredients trying to perfect slime. I ended up giving up because I kept failing (there weren't real recipes or even ingredient proportions I could find anywhere yet, just a handful of ASMR YouTube channels).

But man. If only I'd kept at it. These slime people are running whole ass businesses and selling out every week!

I mean I guess with my strict parents I wouldn't have been able to ship anything or even post to social media but like... I can dream.

Saw this one shop like "I started my business when I was 13" like fuck you man. I know mom and dad were willing to help you with your business and didn't call you a freak.

That's not an insult to the person BTW, I think it's awesome that someone that's still just a teenager has a bright future and business to look forward to, this is just my bitter vent lol.

Like sometimes all I can think of all of the trends and such I tried to get in on when I was younger, only to be shut down by my parents, and the thing inevitably becomes something that could have literally changed my life.

I found out about bitcoin and tried to get permission to mine it in like 2010, like within a year of it existing. I was told no. Can you fucking imagine??? That was when you didn't need a specialized setup to mine, if I'd even accumulated 1 BTC I could've been SET FOR LIFE

Or how when Kizuna AI was just starting out, I started getting stuff together to try and be a vtuber before that was even a term. Like imagine being in the first wave of that! But of course, wasn't allowed.

Man kids nowadays can plaster their whole ass face on tiktok on a daily basis nowadays, yet I was in deep trouble for the crime of posting fucking G rated fanfiction. Like I always thought that was dumb but holy shit looking back it's so absurd.

I remember getting grounded because I tried to record video game walk throughs that were purely informative with no personal info when I was 16. They smashed the capture card I'd ordered with a Christmas gift card lmao

For God's sake I wanted to learn to code and was banned from doing so because "You'll learn to hack my computer and get around the rules" like good fuck I was trying to learning fucking JavaScript with an in-browser program *via his outdated windows XP laptop* like what the fuck was I gonna manage?

Like if I get an extra half hour aside from my homework allotment, suddenly I'm gonna fucking commandeer your laptop? That doesn't do shit for me, he physically would just take it away, even mid school project, when he arbitrarily decided "too long" was shorter than yesterday.

I just. Idk. I wish I could have built something for myself when I still had the free time and the energy. I wish I'd developed a skill instead of jumping from interest to interest because when my parents realized I liked something, it was over.

I couldn't make anything mine. Not even myself, I was just his pawn, and a lousy one at that

[ravenousnightwind]

An Analysis of My Psyche

Because of all the shit I went through in school and overall my childhood. I developed three aspects of self. Keep in mind that by saying this, I was never diagnosed with any kind of personality disorder. It's just something I've noticed over the years that seems to have come together through my many times of experiencing it. I also never experienced black outs or lost time as far as I know. Only that I can hold these three extra personality forms and distinguish between them. They also have their own will or desires too.

These three aspects of self cover very big things about myself but I ultimately categorize within specific sets. Each has their own title, associated meanings and personality adaptations. They possess their own imagery and their own internal voices. They're also all masculine in nature, except for one.

Logic: governing over every aspect of critical thinking and understanding things. He's a sort of android robot. He doesn't really have a gender persay, more linked to what we might refer to as demi. Slight connections to gender but ultimately does not possess clear form.

Logic doesn't care about human affairs, and if had his way, would obliterate every human on the face of the planet for the sake of stability. He's the side of me who always talks about how humans are gross flesh creatures. Nasty filled with fluids. A deplorable existence in his view. Also sees humans as limited and inefficient. Incompetent. He thinks, calculates, and devises strategies. He's also my Operating System. (My internal interface UI) He always wants stimulation, and is my info dumper and my processor. He's my referencing bot. His elements are air and earth.

Child: he's emotional, whiney, crying, sad, but also happy hyper. He's the side of me that still enjoys toys. The side of me that can relate to children. The side of me that enjoys playing pretend, thinking about fun what ifs. Likes to play games, likes to troll people. He's sad a lot, thinks people don't care. His other side is a shadow form which spouts unhealthy self hate. He's my Conscience He tends to take the form of a child these days. The part of me that never left. His element is water.

Beast: a half transformed werewolf with long nails, deep dark blue fur, rugged voice. He loves Child in a parental way, will do anything to protect him. Beast is my anger personified. He's my rage, my strength, my passions, and my resolve. He's a dangerous predator yet has a code of honor. He's vengeful and no nonsense. He'll break rules if it means his life. Or if he feels like he's had enough. Pissing him off is like messing with an entire pack of wolves. Once he gains momentum, nothing can stop him. He likes sex. His element is fire.

Then there's me, the conduit, the avatar, the center of the three. Who relays thoughts and emotions.

I guess that's an analysis of my psyche or something. idk. They also each have their own combined forms too, but all three are just me.

[ganondoodle]

Hey, I adore your artstyle mate, I loveeee all the vivid colors and the fact that most of it lacks lines?? You doing the hard stuff, but it paying off 💜

can I ask, as I’d like to get into comic making, how long does it take you to finish a a single panel?

Hi!! thank you very much!! drawing lineart is incredibly frustrating to me so im very glad i was able to make the jump to mostly lineless artwork, tho im very much still at the beginning to learn how to do it xD

to answer your question, i .. cant say really, it depends on what is on the panel, and i always jump around when working on a page, i draw half of the very last panel, then jump to another, maybe i see something i want to change right away and work on the third besides i ... dont know anything about panel composition, i think in movies so i play it and try to pause it on a frame that could work as a panel, whichs is probably why it goes alot slower than normal comics, idk how much to skip gndfjknvgfdjk

im by no means an expert in making comics, you kinda have to find your own way of what works for you, i have done many in the past but all failed, i gave up before getting even one chapter done many times

general advice i can give you is, most importantly, dont wait, i know its daunting to start, but you have to start, even if you dont think you are good enough, you will always change and improve anyway, better start now or you might do it never, and remember, when a page is done its done, i know how tempting it is to go back and redo it, but if you start with that it will only lead to an endless cycle of remaking it over and over

a cause that made me abandon my old projects, was partly lack of support/recognition, but mostly that i was forcing myself to things that werent fun, like one i made in black and white bc i thought you had to do it bc color takes too long, but i live for colors, so it drained the fun out of it immediately

the only "rules" i have set for myself is that its understandable, the flow of the action doesnt flip around too much, speech bubbles are aligned in a way that guides you (of course im not perfect at that either and always learn); i dont jump between pages, i jump between working on panels, but i dont start another page before the previous is at least acceptable, otherwise id get ahead of myself and get impatient, just wanting to skip ahead and neglect older pages; and that i only work on a panel/page as long as it has acceptable quality and is fun to draw, when i notice im getting bored or frustrated i finish it quickly as best as i can and move on, otherwise it might drag the entire project down, which is why each panel or page in 'Destiny' varies alot in quality

i can barely look at the first pages .. or even at the last one i made for that matter, but its also fascinating, how much my art changes within even one update which takes me about a month for 4 pages, since i have set my 'fun' rules at least, it used to take much longer (i wish i was faster, and i could be, but i have a job, and have to look out for my health, both physically and mentally, so i take whatever time i need and draw however much i feel like drawing, no rushing)

my progress so far is that i write a rough script, what happens, what dialog, where it ends, and so on, it doesnt have to sound good, god knows mine are shitty xD but its a good guideline, even if rough! then i make a rough draft, basic panel layout, dialog (it always changes fro mthe script, again its more liek a guideline than a rule ;) ) then i start with actually drawing the first page, my art and way of .. art and writing changes incredibly fast (idk if its for the better lol) so .. by that point i redraw the rough draft version of the page if i see how it works better, rewrite dialog too, and even cut stuff from the rough draft

im not done with the first chapter (im slow af lol), but wrote the script for the second one when my hand was injured and i couldnt draw for a month, once im done with this chapter i will draw the rough draft for ch2, then write the script for ch3 then go and draw ch2 fully, at least thats the plan the more time passes the more i know what the next chapters are gonna be, tho i know the important points long before; right now i have the entirety of the first arc sepeareted into chapters, and the end of it all too, but between there its still a lil blurry and im adjusting everytime i think of soemthing better

anyway, sorry for that long ass ramble, its late and i thoguht about this ask bc im trying to get my want to draw back (not feeling well rn nkfdnkd) so i randomly decided to answer it .. probably in the most unhelpful way possible, alot of stuff noone aksed for lol

anyway, sorry, and goodnight uwu

[pinkteapotwriting]

Happy Birthday Remus part 2

Part one Happy Birthday Remus!

Warning : Smut, this is just smut. Minors DNI, Switch!Sirius x Dom!Remus x Sub!Reader

Edging, slight over stimulation kinda idk, oral, food mention and I think that’s all of it

Wolfstar x Fem!reader

Summary : Sirius is mad about the little stunt Remus had you pull the day prior, so he breaks Remus’s rules and plays with you how he sees fit. 

Word count :1826

---

You awoke to the sun gently sweeping across your face as you separate yourself from Sirius’s chest. The only thing that could be brighter than that hazy yellow pouring in is the smile you gave while looking at Remus spooning Sirius. His arms wrapped around him tight, like the only security blanket left in the world. Not wanting to interrupt the sweet sight you got up to go get ready by yourself. 

Your legs were quite tender from the night before, not that you were complaining. You made your way to the bathroom to start your routine, but when you stepped over the edge of the tub to take a shower your sore legs betrayed you. With a not too painful, but still solid plop you hit the floor landing on your bum. 

“Ow.”

“Y/N?” A voice resounded in concern.

The sound of rushed pattering made its way to the bathroom. 

“Y/N! Love are you alright?” This time you could tell it was Sirius who asked.

Giggling the whole time you responded, “I’m okay I promise! My legs are just sore from last night.” 

Sirius gave a huff as a reply and simply walked past to fill the tub as an alternative for your certain destruction, while Remus scratched the back of his head and mumbled his apologies before retreating briefly.

Sirius pulled you from the floor and set himself in the tub with you nestled in front of him. You tilted your head back against his shoulder in absolute bliss as he rubbed his hands up and down your thigh.

“Y/N love?”

“Yes darling?”

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I know you enjoy being submissive, but last night taught me not to take advantage of that. Please remember to let me know if I’m pushing your limits.”

“Baby, we have a safe word for a reason! I love you so so much and appreciate you checking in. I promise to let you know if you ever make me uncomfortable. There’s no hard feelings and to be quite honest I definitely prefer when you boys dominate me.”

You shivered as one of his hands wrapped around your waist while the other enclosed around your throat pulling your ear to his hypnotic lips. 

“Well that’s good to hear, cause I’d be remiss if I didn’t get to leave you absolutely decimated tonight after your little show yesterday.”

The twang of pleasure that shot straight to your core only increased when the hand that rested on your waist found its way to your clit. 

“Yeah, yesterday you talked a big game, but it looks like you’re already dripping for me puppy.”

You whined softly, but were quickly muted when Sirius’s hand engulfed the lower half of your face. He knew Remus’s rules quite well and touching what belonged to him without permission would certainly get him in trouble. However, the prospect of teasing you all day, toying with Remus’s precious puppy under his nose was thrilling. In short he loved making you squirm. So he wasn’t about to let you ruin his fun so soon.

“None of that now, Moony would hear and ruin our fun for touching you without permission. If you want to cum at all today you’ll be a good puppy and keep your mouth shut and obey. Are we understood?”

You nodded weakly already so close to your release. 

“Aw baby your legs are shaking bet you’re close huh, does my pretty girl wanna cum?”

You let out a muffled yes against his hand and he just chuckled. “Too bad I can hear Remmy coming up the stairs, maybe another time. Remember to be a good puppy.”

Before you even got the chance to pout Sirius released his grip and went back to rubbing your thighs while Remus entered holding a tray with three cups of tea and three plates of leftover chocolate cake. 

“Sorry love, I just thought it would be nice if we had breakfast in the bath.”

“Good thinking Rem, less moving around for her that way. What do you say sweetheart?”

You did your best to hide your guilt and smiled sweetly at the man you adored. 

“Thank you Remmy.”

He just smiled back at you and disrobed so he could join you all in the bath. Sirius didn’t dare make a move while Remus was there and he was much better at hiding the previous occurrence. You couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable since last night wasn’t exactly gentle and Sirius made sure you were extra sensitive to any touch. You were puddy in his hands, perfectly malleable and so in your tired bleary mind state you only craved to do what was asked of you. Despite it being a conflict of interest between obeying Remus, and obeying Sirius. 

(Remus is clearly the big boss around here, anyway) 

---

Luckily it was a Sunday so you had nowhere else to be, but it was also just as unfortunate considering Sirius would be able to keep you in his clutches. Every time Remus left the room he had his hands on you. Sirius made sure you were adorned in his biggest t-shirt (your usual lounge wear) so he could have easy access without arousing suspicion. His hands always found the most delicate places while his mouth wreaked havoc on your even more so delicate mind. 

“Be quiet sweetheart, don’t want Remus to find out you’re not his good girl, his obedient little puppy.”

“Bet you’re just desperate to cum, I can’t even keep count of how many times I’ve edged you today.”

“Beg and maybe I’ll be generous, come on pup beg for it”

Of course it didn’t matter how many times you would cry out, only for it to be muffled by his hand. He was not planning on giving you what you so desperately needed anytime soon. Sirius loved the sounds he’d pull from you. He was just such a glutton for your punishment. The prospect of breaking Remus’s rules thrilled him, that he was touching what didn’t belong to him. He knew he was risking punishment, but the feeling of you clenching desperately around his fingers only spurred him on.

Meanwhile Remus was confused by your jumpiness and reaction to touch. You had never been like this the day after. Usually all you wanted was to be held and take it easy, but you basically rejected his touch and he was so afraid that he pushed your boundaries too far last night. Poor Remus wasn’t aware of that tight coil in your stomach that Sirius had created, that made any lingering touch almost put you in overload.

You were all settled on the couch and little to his knowledge under the blanket you had covering your lap Sirius was slipping his cock between your wet folds. Course you knew your only job was to sit still and keep him warm, but that didn’t make it any more uncomfortable. You had been denied orgasm time and time again with just his fingers and now his dick was buried deep inside you and you weren’t allowed to move. It was infuriating. 

“Y/N, love? Can you come and cuddle me now please? I’m getting cold over here.”

Sirius’s grip tightened on your waist as a low warning, so you were forced to hang your head and shake your head no.

“Sweetheart did I do something to hurt you last night. Please I feel like you’ve been off all day. If I caused you pain in any way I’ll never forgive myself. What can I do to make it up to you.”

In a rush you got up and straddled Remus’s thigh. You just couldn’t take it anymore and started clutching his shirt and nuzzling your tear filled face side to side against his chest.

“Puppy what’s wrong, what did I do?”

You only shook your head and started rutting against his thigh. Your body acting of its own volition answering for you. 

“Darling hey hey hey slow down what’s going on.” He glanced down and his eyebrows raised at the sight. You were absolutely soaking and he had the new wet patch on his pants to prove it. 

“Daddy I need to cum so bad it hurts.”

He then made eye contact with a very guilty looking Sirius, then decided your needs were much more important than whatever Sirius had to say, he’d deal with him later. 

“What’s wrong precious, what happened pretty girl”

“Siri-” you choked out a sob, “Siri told me he wouldn’t let me cum and he said I wasn’t your good girl and- and daddy it hurts in my belly I need to cum so bad.”

“Oh Y/N you’re always my good girl, my precious pup. Do you want Daddy to make you feel all better? Siri is just a meanie come on let’s go to the bedroom.”

---

Remus had you sprawled out on the bed, making sure your head was supported by Sirius’s lap. His head was between your legs, eating you out like a starved man. Your incessant mewls and whines broke his concentration.

“Come on what do you want love Daddy can fix it for you. Do you want Daddy’s cock?”

You managed a pitiful nod and soon enough your wish was granted. 

Remus kept a steady pace as your fingernails clawed into Sirius’s legs. He could tell by your trembling you were so close.

“Fuck Y/N” Sirius groaned, “I’m sorry baby I didn’t mean to make you wait so long, but you look so pretty fucked out like that. You’re such a good girl waiting so patiently”

“That’s right puppy, you’re such a good girl taking my cock so well, come on love cum for me.”

As the sweet relief of your climax finally being within reach you sobbed in ecstasy. Your orgasm left you breathless as  the immense pleasure could rival a tidal wave crashing over you. Remus would normally chase his own high, but you had been overstimulated enough so instead he pulled out and stroked his length while eyeing Sirius angrily. Sirius gulped.

Even in your exhausted state you still could use the manners they trained you to have. 

“Thank you, daddy.”

“Of course good girls always get to come. Not selfish gits who break my rules though. Tell me pup, how many times did Siri edge you today?”

“I- I lost count, Remmy.”

A wicked grin covered his face, but his fiery gaze remained unyielding.

“That’ll be a good start then, okay pretty girl can you grab the bonds for me? It seems our naughty boy didn’t learn his lesson yesterday.”

How lucky were you, to be taken care of in so many different ways by the two men you adored above all else.

“Yes Daddy”

Before you did what you were told you couldn’t help but relish in the fear and anticipation on Sirius’s face. Wondering, and craving for what would happen next…

---

@thotbutpurple @quindolyn

[localcactushugger]

Is anyone else amazed that Hawks was only "undercover" with the Leauge for 6 months at the most.

Not only that, one and a half of those 6 months were spent just trying to gain enough trust to infiltrate.

I know it seems like much longer since Hawks made his Manga debut 2 years ago. But he had such a short amount of time on this mission. Hawks was introduced in the manga with his role being the "double agent". We literally have not seen Hawks outside of his "spy" role. Even when he is interacting with other characters outside of the Leauge, his "mission" is still happening in the background.

It seems Hawks made contact with Dabi right before the Hero Billboard chart, this is when he starts trying to infiltrate. His interaction with Dabi in the warehouse begins immediately after Endeavors fight with High-End:

During this time, Dabi is testing out a High-End Nomu for doctor Ujiko. Which means by the time Endeavor fights High-End, the My Villain Academia arc is already happening. Hawks is assumed to be one of the "members" Dabi is trying to recruit:

The Leauge has already made contact with doctor Ujiko, and the Doctor sends Dabi to test his High-End Nomu out on Endeavor (even though Dabi didn't know it would be Endeavor) while the rest of the Leauge battle Machia. At the time, Dabi still doesn't trust Hawks at all and he keeps the hero at arms length. While Dabi and Hawks are sharing ominous phone calls, the Leauge is hauling ass and it take's Shigiraki a month and a half to finally beat Machia. (The MLA is "defeated" too):

After a month and a half of phone calls (while the Leauge gets their asses handed to them by Machia in the background) Hawks is finally allowed into the Leauge when the battle of Dekia City is finally over. Dabi let's him in because Hawks "kills" Best Jeanist.

But there's a problem. By the time Hawks is let in, The Leagues numbers have drastically increased. They have an army at their side, multiple High-End nomu, and are now called the MLA:

Hawks blames himself, saying that he was "too late". That so many civilians would be alive now if he had been faster. He couldn't round up the Leauge when they were a small group, and now they have an army. A powerful one:

He's in too deep now. And you can see the stress on his face. I bet he never expected to be part of an army. He was simply tasked to round up the Leauge members while they were a small group, but the MLA was completely unexpected. Still, he decides to improvise and do the best he can with the shitty cards he's been dealt. It's not like he has another option at this point.

So he slips a coded message to Endeavor ASAP. Basically saying "yo, in four months shits about to go down. Ttyl I'll keep you posted lol". He can't tell the guy in person now, because to make things harder, he has camera's on his wings. (and even though he's being watched by camera's, he also gets followed by guards at the mansion):

After Hawks relays the massge, he stroles around the mansion with his bodyguard and heads towards the cafeteria. With a little eavesdropping (courtesy of his feathers) he also finds out that the Leauges plan is to "Destroy Everything" in four months:

After he relays the massage to Endeavor, he listens to the Leauges plans of destruction as his thoughts run a thousand M.P.H.

Because now "capture the Leauge" has turned into "Holy shit I now only have 4 months to take down a full fledged terrorist organization/army from the inside-out by myself while I'm being monitored 24/7 with absolutely no privacy & also a full time job as a hero + a public image to maintain. And I can only contact my fellow pro's about this mission through code because if the villains find out I'm a double agent I could be killed and Japan could be destroyed. Also some heros have even joined the MLA so who on my own side can I trust? Only a select specific few for now I guess."

If you thought things couldn't get worse your wrong.

Because around 2 months before the raid Hawks' heart (that wants to be free & has a genuine desire to help people) takes shit a bit too far when it makes him get attached to a certain powerful villain.

Hawks quckily finds out that Twice is easily the second most powerful villain in the Leauge after Shigiraki. He's an S ranked villain and he'll kick your ass with the power of friendship anyday. He's a great guy, but him and the Leauge are still planning on doing horrible things within the next 2 months. Twice is going along with it because he wants to stick by his friends, which y'know, is a cool motive. But considering that fact that the people Hawks is trying to protect ALSO have friends, and family's, this makes shit difficult and sends Hawks on some major guilt trips. (I would show all the panels of Hawks sadly smiling as Twice calls him a "good guy", but alas- Tumblr has informed me that I've reached my 10 image per post limit)

And tbh who wouldn't feel bad about suddenly getting attached to such a golden retriever of a man and then realizing you'll have to double-cross him at some point! I'm not surprised Hawks would feel this way, especially considering the fact that he never wanted to take on this mission in the first place.

Hawks is very much a people person, and he HATES lying even when he has no other option. This is a man who got "shivers up his spine" when he had to put on a serious face while handing Endeavor a book with coded messages inside. He literally felt icky and thought "this is low even for me" just because he had to use a deadly expression so that Endeavor would get the gist.

And when the Commission made their "proposal" about this mission, Hawks' first reaction was to call them out on their B.S. for asking him to put civilian lives at risk. He even admitted that he was feeling bad about sending Tokoyami away while talking to Deku, Shoto, and Bakugo. Hawks felt guilty about not being able to spend more time with his student, but considering that things with the MLA were starting to get riskier, and that Hawks literally handed Endeavor a book with a coded message inside about an uprising 2 seconds later, I can see why he wouldn't want to risk Tokoyami being around him. The fact that the camera's on Hawks' wings caught his interactions with Endeavor & the students also makes the creep‐factor worse. The MLA saw everything AND talked about it in a meeting later. Continuing to train with Tokoyami would put him at risk.

I love the complexity of Hawks' character, he's incredibly intelligent, logical, and intuitive. But at the same time throughout this entire mission his heart is constantly battling with his mind. Even when he knows he has to grit his teeth and do something shifty, his heart never fails to put up a fight with his logistics. Honestly it's been a pattern for a while that Hawks' sympathy always "Trips him up" in some way, so idk why I didn't see it coming around to bite him in the ass later.

(Tbh it's hard for me to see Hawks as a this super "Morally Gray" person that the fandom likes to paint him as because of a mission that he only spent 6 months on. I personally, kinda see Hawks as a "good person" who works for a "morally gray" agency. But that's a whole different meta)

Basically, Hawks getting attached to Twice wasn't a surprise. But considering how powerful Twice was, along with his role in the League's destructive plans (He was a lieutenant in one of the MLA's "Units") the discourse going on in Hawks' mind makes sense. By this point Hawks has already figured out all of the MLA's "Units" along with the three "bosses" that support the lieutenants of those "Units". It's noted that those "bosses" are extremely powerful and can match the strength of the heros as well. It took Hawks an entire month just to figure out all of the "Units" members. (I would show the panels explaining all of this but I'm at my photo limit)

All of these members were tasked to follow their lieutenants and bosses, and the plan was to attack all of Japans major cities at the same time. Once the cities were destroyed and chaos had set in, Redestro and feel good inc. Would distribute support items to the remaining citizens in the name of "self-defense". It would create a country full of discourse and destruction where Redestro and Feel good inc. Would rule from the shadows. But Shigiraki would be the main leader. He would become "king" and sit upon a "throne of rubble". (At least this was the MLA's plan, Shigiraki himself just kinda wants to destroy everything. But I suppose this would make things easier for him to do that.)

needless to say, the stakes have been upped excessively. But it took Hawks an entire month to gather this info.

This post is honestly just me marveling at what an M.V.P Hawks is

My guy literally only had 4 months to take down an entire terrorist organization for the inside-out. AND he was being monitored during that entire time. He figured out the MLA's intentions within the first month of being there. And it took him another full month to go into detail and figure out all the members, bosses, and lieutenants, for each of their "Units". Hawks even went as far as to immerse himself in the MLA's ideology, and he had in-depth discussions with the MLA's members. HELL HE EVEN FAKED HIS CO-WORKERS DEATH JUST TO GET IN.

AND HE PRETTY MUCH IMPROVISED ALL OF THIS SHIT!!! The original plan was to capture the Leauge when they were a small group! But by the time Hawks managed to infiltrate, The Leauge already had an army! They were a full-blown organization! And Hawks just kinda rolled with it??? He just kinda bullshitted his way through??

Like, "okay I'm now apart of an army I guess. The Leauge is now an entire organization and they're planning on destroying Japan in March. Let's see how this goes. I'll just have to make this work"???

LIKE HOW THE FUCK IS HE NOT DEAD! WHAT A FUCKING MADLAD

[ackerfics]

so this is love — annie leonhart

— annie leonhart x female reader

— request by anon: I kinda have a request. How about royal au? Where 2 kingdoms are at war with each other, and reader is the heir of the throne of one kingdom (but they’re not the spoiled type of heir, more like the solider one?) and then the kingdoms decided a truce. Reader will have to marry the heir of the other kingdom which is Annie. Idk maybe those arranged marriages that they never get along at first? Kinda like they were enemies bc they never get along until some development of feelings happen along the way. Maybe Annie will realize that she has feelings when reader got injured since they’re a soldier

— warnings: mentions of war, slight angst if you squint, just two idiots falling in love with each other :))

— summary: you were sent off to another kingdom as a sign of a truce, promising to yourself that the engagement is close to death at how you got off on the wrong foot with your betrothed. it was hell at first but who knows? maybe, unbeknownst to you, the two of you are a match made by the gods.

— word count: 7.5k

— author’s notes: i am so sorry this came out so long :((( we just finished our exams and we have a case study to write as our midterm for a subject. i hope this will still quench your annie fic cravings. and by the way, i fashioned the kingdom of idylle to mondstadt because genshin impact is my stress reliever right now and a kingdom built upon freedom sounds like a gem. plus, the glass castle of the reader is based off of the castle of cinderella, which is the reason for the title hhhhhh happy reading !!!

so this didn’t appear in the tags so i reposted it :”(((

Corsets were abominations that needed to be burned.

The girl with your features staring at you from the mirror was someone you couldn’t recognize from all the preparations your chambermaid did on your figure. The make-up was appalling and thick that you could see a smear on the back of your hand when you tried rubbing your itching nose. Your hair was done in a half up-do with too many decorative pins sticking out, creating a makeshift crown of silver roses, one of the symbols of your kingdom. The dress your mother expected you in was straight-up ridiculous, you couldn’t move from the tightness of the corset and the heaviness of your skirts was hindering you from moving freely. You couldn’t even deny that it was a lovely gown but its inconvenience was irking you at the slightest turn or stretch.

Dressing up this lavishly was rare for you, the Crown Princess of the kingdom boring flags of silver and lilac. You very much preferred the heaviness of your armor and your title as one of your kingdom’s Commendatore rather than the ladylike image your mother has been forcing you on the past few weeks.

You were livid when your parents renounced from the ten-year war that was purging the continent with just a sign on a piece of paper — one that included your name and your honor. Everything was brutal, carnage dotting every town and village of the two kingdoms throwing spears and fire cannons, and you witnessed it all firsthand when you started being one of your kingdom’s soldiers four years ago — a sixteen-year-old girl throwing orders that gave you an advantage from your enemies wearing the crest of the kingdom that painted your lands a heart-wrenching red. Of all solutions that your parents and the other kingdom could come up with, it involved you in the most unacceptable way possible. Officially entering your twenties this year, your parents thought it necessary to offer you as a bride that signified peace to the warring nation right beyond the border. The idea made your vision red, an outburst coming out of your mouth mere seconds after the proposal was announced in the council meeting.

A soldier, a knight, a commander — that’s what you are.

Not some forsaken young woman ready to be shipped off to your rival nation because it was the only way out of this bloody mess.

You had no choice.

The only way for you to grasp the final moments in your kingdom was relishing the touches of the chambermaid and taking in the décor of your room — the small trinkets scattered on your nightstands, the books you escaped to, the jewelry that boasted the colors of your family, and the stuffed animals your nanny sewed for you when you were a toddler. You closed your eyes and let the feathery fingers of the people around you lull you into a prayer for the gods in their celestial thrones, asking for their blessing in this far travel. In the middle of reciting an ode dedicated to the goddess of divine bravery, you felt a cool pendant carefully slide over your collarbones.

Your mother’s face appeared beside the watery princess of the mirror, a forced smile pulling on the corners of her lips. Your distinctly colored irises flickered down on the necklace your mother placed upon the exposed parts of your body. It was a flower-pressed necklace, the gold plate carefully protecting the flower representing your birth. The golden chain holding the necklace together was so thin that you worried for a moment that the fragile piece of jewelry might break in less than an hour while you meet your partner-to-be. You met your mother’s gaze in the mirror — from a chivalrous princess of armor to a dignified queen ruling within a land of eternal spring.

“You look so beautiful,” your mother breathed your name, holding your arms tightly against her ring-adorned hands. Tears blossomed her eyes, trickling down her cheeks akin to the lavender flowers’ petals of the large white tree in your backyard. “You look like the queen you were supposed to be.”

You tried smiling but your wobbly lips made you falter. You can only purse your lips in a tight, flat smile as you face your mother, face set in a kind expression. “Please don’t cry, Mother,” you murmured, placing your palm on top of hers, squeezing it for reassurance. “They wouldn’t do anything to me.”

They, meaning the kingdom you were at war with, the nation that claimed they needed a bride for their Crown Heir. In your world, there was freedom even in marriage — with the kingdoms pairing their sons with the sons of their enemies all for the sake of a truce, especially if the two of them were firstborns. This is very much your situation at the moment. The kingdom of Idylle was a beautiful haven of songs dedicated to the god of the winds, very contrasting to their military power that could take down a good number of your soldiers. You heard stories from some villages in your nation that Idylle was a hoax, that they were bloodthirsty warmongers hungry for the spilled blood of the people of Glaieul, your kingdom. You couldn’t help but believe their words. That was the only addition to your knowledge of Idylle except for their battle tactics and placement of soldiers on the battlefield.

“We’ll pray to the deities that they will do just that,” your mother laughed a little despite the tears. “Or else your father will wage war if they so much scratched you.”

“He wouldn’t do that, Mother,” you shook your head with a slight smile. “You two have worked so hard for this peace treaty. If I ever scratched myself in Idyllic lands, trust me that it would most likely be my fault. Not theirs.”

Your mother’s laugh twinkled in the room, painting everything in a light that erased the heaviness shrouding in every corner of your chambers. “I suppose so. You and your love for your sword are unrivaled. I can still remember the time when you first got the weapon, you were so thrilled for a six-year-old that one would think you were born in the barracks. I have to admit, you looked adorable swinging your sword until the greeting of the night and its stars.” She wistfully sighed, looking down at the necklace she gave you. “Your father was so proud when you came back for dinner that night.”

“My sword has always been a lifelong companion. I will even bring it to their castle.”

Your mother placed a hand on top of her chest, over her heart. “I hope you don’t unsheathe it in front of their royal family.”

You breathed a laugh. “No promises.”

The two of you talk about all the things that happened in your childhood, your laughs echoing through the hallways. The maids and the butlers bade you goodbye and safe travels as you passed by, never forgetting to nod in their direction in acknowledgment. You will miss their company for they saw you grow up before you decided to partake in the war. Almost all of them fussed over the mess you made while practicing your swordplay, cleaning up the broken vases and the mud on the carpeted floors. Even one of the apprentices of the Keeper of Books residing in the palace, Armin, enthusiastically waved at you, his friends flanking him for a visit in the kitchens. You didn’t miss how Eren directed an incredulous stare towards the blonde man, with Mikasa looking shocked at how easily the apprentice interacted with you in a public setting since your times with them only happened behind prying eyes.

You gave the three of them a huge smile that gave their faces a pretty rose shade.

Upon reaching the foyer, your father stood at the foot of the stairs along with the soldiers you acquainted in your time on the battlefield, sending a wave of warmth through your chest. His silver coat lined with gold details was a beacon and his white breeches were tucked in a pair of knee-length boots. His chest was decorated with his sash full of medallions, the kingdom insignia of lilac gladioluses and silver roses pinned on top of his heart. The king of Glaieul softened his eyes, crinkles appearing at the corners, at the sight of you and your mother descending on the stairs.

“My little flower,” was his greeting to you when you reached him.

“Father,” you breathed, picking up your skirts to settle in the embrace of waiting arms. You buried your figure against him, inhaling his scent of pine and rosewater, creating the last memory you will have of him. The two of you pulled away for a moment, your eyes watering at the sad visage your father sported. You felt the lightest brush of his kiss on your forehead. 

“Now I’m becoming reluctant in sending you off,” he told you. “I felt guilty when I saw you fight against this during the council meeting. But it is what they offered and I have no say in the matter.”

“I know.”

“May the eternal spring never waver in your soul.”

You nodded before taking a step back, bowing with your knees on the marble floors. Your crown glinted against the light from the stained-glass windows, your hair forming a curtain around your face as you replied, “I will let it fester among the ballads and idylls they will offer. I will carry the name of Glaieul with faithfulness, honor, and grace.” You raised your head to meet your father’s eyes. “I promise to never deter the eternal spring.”

It would be that way until your last years in that kingdom. And as you rode the carriage with the soldiers you fought with guarding the vehicle with their lives on the line, you could only sigh and offer another round of prayers that this swerves in a more positive direction than what you were expecting. After a hefty journey across the bustling capital (people stopped by and waved your carriage goodbye, offering you flowers that one of the captains of the fleet, Levi, scowled at — you coaxed him that it was alright, though) to the hectares of meadows in the countryside, the sight of flowers mixed with emerald turned into a sea of teal as you entered the outskirts of Idylle, your betrothed’s home. Everything was bathed with the endemic species of grass solely blessed by the god of the winds on Idylle — legends say that it was because He wanted the kingdom that worshipped him to look different than the rest. No matter how much you deny it, it was beautiful.

“How are you faring, princess?”

Your daze was interrupted by a baritone voice, deep enough to alert some of the men around the carriage. His gray eyes provided you support during the war. You couldn’t help but smile at the onyx-haired man riding by your right window. “Hello, Captain Levi.”

“Tch. Drop the title, brat. You and I both know that the war made us friends somewhat.”

You let out a small laugh. “Well, Levi, to answer your question, I’m quite fine even though my parents just sold me to gain peace.”

Levi rose an eyebrow at the remark. “I am not one to have the capabilities to comfort someone but think of this as a way for you to help the kingdom without sacrificing your life for once. A nation without its heir is just like losing its king. I’ve seen you train when you’re starting as a squire and to the point when you got the position you deserve. This would be like a small walk in the gardens of your mother.” He fixated his stare on you, eyes dull yet determined to get his point across. “You have a role in every part of your life and this time, this is what the gods crafted for you. Do not fret, princess, you have more chances of being on the battlefield again.”

The words Levi spoke settled in you until you reached the capital of Idylle, a small island in the middle of a clear azure lake with walls resembling a huge castle. The bridge leading to the gates was lined with guards bearing the kingdom’s crest, all of them standing under the flapping flags bearing the symbol and colors of the royal family they serve — a harp surrounded by the colors of gold and blue. Their eyes warily followed the series of carriages, postures becoming stiff in the realization that the entourage holds the visitor their rivaling country sent. That was still the scenario when the series of carriages and horses passed by the marketplace, the vicinity on the lowest part of the walled capital, as if the wind even ceased to let the people gawk at the brightly-colored entourage making its way to the highest tier depicting mansions and the main plaza where their patron god stood tall and proud in front of the palace’s gates.

Everything looked magnificent.

It was a breath of fresh air from the glass castle you grew up in. Whereas your kingdom built a white, blinding home that withstood for hundreds of years, Idylle’s palace blended with the brick walls with its leveled mansard roofs and turrets. The gates were made of gold, welcoming you into a huge square of maze-like hedges, a fountain sitting in the middle of the labyrinth. Some gardeners stopped their daily chores to greet the carriages with a wave of their hat, seeing as you were going to be an addition to the royal family after the wedding in a few months. The steps leading to the main doors loomed in front of you with only a few servants waiting for you to step out of the carriage.

You took in a deep breath, nodding at Levi to open the door. When it swung open, you placed your hand on top of Levi’s as he guided you down the propped steps on the side of the carriage.

“Well,” Levi hummed from behind you, making you glance at him with a curious eye. “May the eternal spring never waver in your soul, Your Highness.” He bowed in front of you, only a dip of his head, a firm hand on his heart, and yet that was enough for you to reciprocate it with a kind smile.  

“Safe travels back, Captain Levi. May the gods protect you.”

The servant boys standing on top of the stairs jumped an inch in the air, going down in fleeting steps to get your luggage when they realized they were staring too long at you. You smiled at them in gratitude before stepping inside the palace as the guards opened the huge, gilded double doors in front of you.

The inside was just elegant as the exterior appearance of the entire capital. Everything was bathed in gold that seemed to rival the Sun and it made you look away for a moment. The grand hall followed the kingdom’s colors, from the turquoise carpets leading towards two winding staircases to the golden ceilings decorated with paintings of cherubs and the story of how their god of the winds came to be. One of the servant boys slightly cleared his throat, snapping you out of your curiosity of the myths laid on the ceiling. You turned to him with raised eyebrows, spurring him to whisper a faint, “Follow us, Your Highness.” They led you through hallways hung with tapestries and paintings, drawing rooms where the queen hosted her tea parties (Levi would have loved it), and ballrooms that have the same aesthetic as the foyer. Finally, you stopped in front of one of the apartments in the palace, the servant boy who told you to follow them brightened at the guard stationed there.

“Reiner!”

You waited patiently and let your eyes roam across the hallway.

“Hello, Falco, Udo.” The man, Reiner, smiled at the young boys before turning to you. He placed a hand on his heart and bowed. “Welcome to Gale, the capital of Idylle, Your Highness.”

“Thank you for the welcome,” you replied, motioning for him that it was quite alright to straighten his posture. “The palace looks lovely.”

“Indeed, it is.” Reiner opened the doors of your room and once again bowed with an outstretched hand towards the room. “Here are your chambers and I will be your guard for the entirety of your stay here in the palace, Your Highness.” You muttered a faint ‘thank you’ as you entered a drawing room with a door to the private chambers on the left and the bathrooms to the right. There was a table fit for two people, armchairs, and drawers with vases on top. A huge floor-to-ceiling window illuminated the room, your feet carrying you there to open them, and letting the wind caress the curtains as they danced in the breeze. “If you ever need anything, you can call for my name and I will be here in an instant. Your chambermaid will be up here in a moment to help you prepare for the family dinner. For now, rest well, Your Highness.”

“Thank you, Reiner, Falco, Udo,” you smiled, retreating towards the private chambers.

You let out a sigh and stared at nothing for a few moments. It came down to this. To think that you were in enemy lands and was treated so well without any degradation came as a shock to you. The people so far that radiated negativity at your arrival were the guards stationed at the bridge and some of the townsfolk and nobles parading in the streets. As you think about the servant boys and Reiner’s calmness in receiving you in the palace, you immediately thought that it would be better than you expected.

You took off your heels under your dress, mind racing that this wouldn’t be so bad, and plopped on top of your canopied bed, its baby blue curtains protecting you from unknown disturbances and drowning you in a rapid of dreams.

-

The dinner didn’t go so well as you expected.

You donned a more suitable dress for indoor use, something that doesn’t include forcing your figure in a tight corset and yet presentable enough to be shown in the family dinner. You even placed a circlet of silver flowers on your head to compensate for the dull dress you chose, the description fitting after one of the chambermaids expressed their perplexity at how simple regarding design your dress has. Your light blue skirts fanned out around you as you made your way to one of the grand dining rooms reserved for family use. The choice of the color of the dress should be enough to express that you are willing to be on good terms with the family of the person you will marry.

But your first meeting with Annie Leonhart was interestingly disappointing.

Before departing from your kingdom, you learned the royal family and even Idylle’s customs. You learned how they always valued freedom and expression above all else, compared to your home that valued their ties with the gods more than the idea of getting rid of the shackles placed by your deities. You learned how they have this festival dedicated to celebrating the love they share with their patron god and how it spanned for half a month.

Finally, you learned about the indifferent Crown Heir of Idylle, the young woman with the piercing blue oceanic eyes sitting in front of you at the dinner table. She was known for building up walls that discouraged some of her engagements with other royalties across the continent. She was so closed off that she didn’t even glance in your direction for one second. Her hair was done in an elaborate bun wrapping around her head in a braid, her small, thin diadem resting against her golden hair. Annie kept her gaze on her plate, even playing with her food mindlessly for a couple of minutes before sighing and taking a bite of the chicken the maids served. No conversation was exchanged and the dinner ultimately became one of the most awkward meals you had. The king even tried to engage his daughter for casual talk but Annie dismissed them with a hum.

The queen had to apologize to you several times after the dinner, with Annie huffing at the back and eager to get out of the room. Despite how much she was against this engagement, you still bowed at her before you retreated to your room.

Now dressed in your nightgown, you stared at the canopy of your bed, already missing your home the more you fixed your attention on the bundled-up curtains. You badly needed to hit a straw dummy with your sword to let out your frustrations. Of all the royalties present in your continent, why did it have to be you that was shipped to this measly forced marriage? There were still so many solutions that could lead to a peace treaty but why was this the only one the kings and queens could present to their courts? A sigh escaped your chest once again at the thought of actually getting to know Annie. You laid on your side, curling your legs towards your chest and prayed that the god of dreams will visit you sooner than expected.

A knock reverberated through your chambers, the sound making you sit up.

You went to the receiving room and opened the door. You kept the small hitch of your breath in your chest at the sight of Annie and her half-lidded eyes. There was no one in the hallways. You figured that she sent Reiner away for some privacy, meeting the blue irises you likened to brilliant sapphires. 

“What brings you here, Your Highness?” you asked, opening the door wider.

“Annie.” She saw how your eyebrows raised in surprise. “Call me Annie, we’re betrothed after all.”

“Of course.” You smiled. “Annie,” you tested her name softly, missing the way she inhaled too sharply at your voice. 

Annie reciprocated the gesture by saying your name. The two of you stared at each other and it felt like an eternity before she looked away to focus on the receiving room behind you. She noticed how your eyes held kindness underneath the star-like shine even though she showed hostility during your first dinner with her family. Your hair was disheveled and it didn’t take her a minute to realize she might have woken you up from a good night’s rest. The journey from Glaieul to Idylle was a long one. You deserve all the rest you can get, “I apologize if I woke you up but I feel like I should do this before dragging it out.” You once again raised an eyebrow so she took out a leather box, opening it to reveal a ring with a holographic gem showing teal and pink in the middle. The Leonhart family ring. “Here.”

“Oh.”

You were gawking at the beautiful piece of jewelry, with Annie taking the matter in her own hands. She took the ring out of the box and pocketed the container. Her hand reached out to hold your palm against hers, sliding the ring in your ring finger. Your hand still hovered in front of you after Annie retracted hers to find their place by her side. She continued to eye your mesmerized visage with a half-lidded gaze, clearing her throat to catch your attention. You turned to her with a small apology for spacing out.

“It’s fine,” Annie waved off. “It’s yours starting today.” She turned away from you and went down the hallways but not before saying a “Good night, [Name].”

-

The entire week of your stay in Idylle was uneventful, to say the least.

Annie kept her distance from you after that night she gave you their family ring. It left you thinking that you should also gift her the [Last Name] ring your family treasured for centuries. The ring was placed in a small cushioned jewelry box that you opened and propped on one of your night tables. Your conscience was telling you to give it to her but there wasn’t exactly any moment alone with her let alone just passing by her in the hallways. The blonde princess made it her mission to never let your fates meet the more time you spent in the capital. You then decided that she probably didn’t want this engagement to happen.

But she gave you the ring. Wasn’t that a strong signal that Annie accepted you as her betrothed, unlike the others before you?

You shook that thought as you focused on giving consecutive hits on the dummy in front of you. Two days before, you proposed to the king to let you have a moment alone in the training grounds for about two hours or so to keep you in shape. He reluctantly agreed, but not without a side stare at the queen. They heard of your glorious feats during the war, how you managed to become one of the Commanders of a battalion of soldiers tasked with being in the frontlines and how you won constant ambushes against Idylle’s numbers. Two hours of training became three until here you are, still not stopping as you finished every single dummy in the private training grounds. With your day spent outside, you thought it would be nice to have a nice dip in the bathtub before dinner.

In your walk towards your chambers, you spotted Annie in one of the drawing rooms, sitting in the window seats with a book of war tactics in hand. You recognized the author as one of the revolutionaries mentioned to you by your tutor. 

“That’s a nice book,” you couldn’t help but mention. Annie turned to you unfazed by your interruption though there was a glint of interest in her eyes. “The book mostly describes battle formations but I think the author likened it to every situation on the battlefield. For instance, the phalanx was native to the empire of Great Findara and it was great for preventing casualties until it was overpowered by the infantry tactic of the city nation of Khisfire where every man has a role and a weapon depending on their group. The latter was more on the long-range yet melee way of taking back the territory.”

Annie hummed. “Do royal tutors of Glaieul teach this to their students?”

“Oh, no. I learned it while taking on the role of a squire.”

She once again hummed. “It completely slipped my mind that you are one of the Commanders in your military. You were ruthless as the folks in the noble plaza say, blood tainting your hands from doing raids in the border villages of Idylle.” Her tone was like a jab to your side, like an arrow tearing through your skin. “I know it was a time of war and desperate times call for desperate measures but our people didn’t deserve to experience the massacres.”

“They were far from being massacres,” you gritted your teeth.

Annie scoffed. “Then what were they? Because that’s what it looks like to me. I can still remember the story two years ago of a young girl wearing her lilac cape in the bloodbath, eyes so dull that you can see your reflection on it. What’s to say that this engagement is a hoax plotted by your parents to assassinate my family for you to win a territory you greatly needed because of the resources?” She closed her book with too much force, bitterly spitting out the next words, “The apple doesn’t fall from the tree as the saying goes.”

“If you question my being here then why did you give me your family ring, Annie?” you asked, your body now facing the tense young woman by the window. You cursed at how the light made her look angelic like the girl the god of the winds sacrificed his life to before he ascended to the heavens. “This peace treaty is everything my family wanted even though hundreds of our soldiers died in vain for not meeting the ends of what they fought for. If you’re saying that my parents placed me in an undercover predicament to add to the weight of deaths on my shoulders, I suggest you tell your father to put a stop to our betrothal. Because I don’t even want to be here, Your Highness, and it would do me such a huge honor. I would rather spend my time out with my fellow soldiers than pretending I’m some dainty princess my family sheltered when in fact, I was anything but that.

“Have a good day and I hope you enjoy the rest of the book. Chapter ten was a personal favorite of mine,” you dismissed, turning towards the direction of the apartments.

Once you reached your door, Reiner straightened his posture, faltering for a second when he noticed the cross look on your face. He chose not to say anything as he opened the door for you. You took off your boots right beside one of the armchairs of the receiving room and immediately went inside your private chambers. The glint of the ring on your night table mocked you. You stomped over the furniture and forcefully closed the small jewelry box, throwing the container inside one of the drawers.

Maybe sleep will be much kinder to you, the sheets enveloping you in an embrace you wish your mother can only give in this time of need.

-

You were radiant under the harsh heat of the Sun.

Annie was scheduled to have a free slot in her timetable after being included in one of the court meetings regarding the resiliency plan of some of the villages in the borders that managed to survive the Glaieulian raids. She suggested that the villages should be moved to one of the more remote villages nearer the capital, where the terrain is suitable for growing crops and starting small farms. There wouldn’t be an issue with overpopulation because the recommended village was home to the elderly and children. The newly situated families will also aid the old people as they go about their mundane activities. It was a sound suggestion and her father was also considering it. Annie hoped that would be the case as she scribbled a small note on a piece of paper. After the meeting, she stopped by one of the windows overlooking the training grounds, and there you are.

Your small argument that happened a few days before stirred some guilt in Annie’s stomach. 

You weren’t even part of the raids she was talking about. They were led by a commander by the name of Erwin Smith. The stories about you that she heard were from Idyllic soldiers that suffered a lot during the war, not from the people of the villages Erwin raided. Annie couldn’t deny it but she did step out of the line by accusing you of being an assassin. That was too far-fetched. She was just stuck in her suspicions when she was supposed to be getting to know you.

All she knew about you was that you were adept with a sword and can name any tactic written in books about wars.

Annie saw a maid cleaning one of the vases in the hallway. “Miranda.”

The maid turned around, curtsying in a haste before patting her uniform. “What can I do for you, Your Highness?”

“Can you prepare a tray of iced apple juice and some cakes?”

“Of course, Your Highness.”

Annie nodded. “And can you place this note on the tray and deliver it to [Name]’s room?”

The maid was taken aback. “Well, it would be my pleasure, Princess.”

“Thank you.” With that, Annie walked away without a glance back.

Curious eyes followed the princess’ form, the maid finding herself looking at your figure sparring with Reiner and a smile instantly greeted her face. This could be a turning point in the betrothal because she could’ve sworn Annie had a small blush on her cheeks at the mention of the other princess. 

After your training, a tray of sweets and a pitcher with glasses of apple juice awaited you in your receiving room. You wanted to ask Reiner if he asked some of the chambermaids to prepare the afternoon snack but a folded note caught your eye. With one hand gripping the towel around your shoulders, you read the note, your face warming up at the short yet endearing sentence.

Indulge in these, they taste better after a good training session.

Maybe this wasn’t so bad after all, you thought as you munched on a sprinkled cookie.

-

Her eyes kept following a trail of gold tulle, silks, and laces, never looking away the moment her blue eyes laid themselves upon a beauty that rivaled the goddess of oneiric realms, the most ethereal goddess of the heavens. You were dressed in an off-shoulder gown with loose sleeves reaching your elbow, the bodice carefully wrapping around your torso in the most flattering way possible, and skirts adorned with silver gems. In a sea of aristocrats with fabulous dresses, you were a sight to behold in this ball dedicated to commemorate the truce between Glaieul and Idylle as well as announce the engagement between the two countries. You were starlight personified, shining in Annie’s eyes under the lights of tens of chandeliers in the ballroom. 

You were on the other side of the ballroom, laughing with your friends from your home kingdom. There was a tall brunette that seemed to be star-struck because of you just like Annie, a black-haired young woman who was smiling slightly, and a blonde who was engaged in an animated conversation with you. Your smiles were refreshing, to say the least, Annie seeing it for the first time since you came to their palace. Your laughs are genuine and it came out of you so easily when in the company of your friends.

Annie visibly stiffened when you turned around and smiled at her, gesturing for her to come to join the small huddle. Your three friends tensed noticeably at her half-lidded stare, with you reassuring them that she’s not that indifferent all the time. 

As if sensing Annie’s hesitance, Reiner chuckled behind her. “You know, it wouldn’t hurt to introduce yourself to them, Your Highness.”

“I’m getting to that, Reiner.”

A laugh came from the blonde man. “She’s good for you. That much I can tell. The kindest soul I’ve ever met in my life.”

Again, guilt pooled in Annie’s chest. Those words are the opposite of what she spewed out to you the last time you talked. She called you a power-hungry monster who ravaged the war with no care on your shoulders. She didn’t even apologize yet. Annie sighed, “I know.” Then, she pulled up her skirts, navigated the ballroom, and stopped directly beside you. Her blue eyes scrutinized the three people you grew up with, with the brunette and black-haired woman stepping a small step forward to assert their dominance while the blonde pinched their backs to warn them not to step out of line in another kingdom. “Hello.” She transferred her eyes on you afterward, placing a gentle hand on the small of your back and rubbing it in a comforting motion. “I hope you enjoyed the ball so far.” Those words were directed to you.

You only nodded with a smile. “Annie, this is Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. They’re my friends when I was growing up in the glass castle.” Annie nodded. “Everyone, this is Annie, my fiancé.”

“We know,” Eren, the long-haired man in a low ponytail murmured with his arms crossed over his broad chest.

“Eren,” Armin reprimanded. He smiled at a stone-faced Annie. “Thank you for making [Name] happy! I can sense that she has a different air around her while we talked. It must be because of you.”

Annie stayed quiet, her hand coming into a still on the small of your back. It was a good thing her left hand was hidden away because they would immediately think that you didn’t accept the engagement. She glanced at the ring nestling in your finger, a perfect match against the golden train of your dress. Realizing that she created an awkward stretch of silence, Annie could only nod wordlessly before shifting her attention to you again. It seems like you’re the only one who can calm her nerves down inside the vast ballroom. She never took her gaze on you even as you continued the conversation between your friends.

Her mind was fogged with thoughts of only you throughout the ball.

The two of you excused yourself from the trio when Annie’s father called for everyone’s attention from the front of the huge chambers. “Everyone, kind souls and pure-hearted people of the continent, since tonight is all for enjoyment, the waltz of the ball will now commence.” His blue eyes went to his daughter, standing at the side of his throne. “The moment everyone is waiting for — the first waltz.”

She rehearsed this too many times for when a proper betrothal comes into play but why is her hand shaking when she outstretched it in front of you? You must have felt it because you flashed a comforting smile her way. The two of you went to the middle of the ballroom, the guests staring expectantly at the birth of a romance. They were wrong because you hate her and she hates you. Right? Her hatred for you will never waver for killing her people even though you look like a descended goddess with the lights of the chandeliers raining on you. Hatred must be fueling her heart to beat faster than ever, why she seemed to trip over her skirts and how her words stumbled in her tongue. That must be it.

The dance slowly made its way to the part where she struggled, dipping you as gracefully as she can. Before it happened, you whispered to her, “Please don’t make me fall.”

Annie’s voice was soft, for your ears only. “I promise, my princess.”

It truly was a birth of a romance, the two of you unaware of it all.

-

“Come on, Reiner!” You shouted at him from across the training field. “Come at me with all you’ve got.”

The blonde man hesitantly shifted into position as he eyed you. “Are you sure, princess? I wouldn’t want to hurt you.” He remembered the threatening look he received from Annie before this training session and he would like all of his limbs intact, thank you very much. “I just don’t want your chambermaid to nag me again after last time.” He managed a cut on your arm your previous session and you had to wear a long-sleeved dress in such stifling weather.

You scoffed lightheartedly. “I can handle it, Reiner. You don’t have to worry about it. Plus, I can dress my wounds perfectly.”

Reiner didn’t believe that. Your skills in covering up your wounds were lacking despite being a soldier. The most you could do was apply some salve on your bruises, that was it. He had no choice because the past month he spent his days with you, you were like a persistent little child that reminded him of his younger cousin. He hoped that you two wouldn’t meet. “Alright, here I go, Your Highness.”

Parry after parry could be heard in the private training field. You were doing fine in deflecting Reiner’s sword but your ankle immediately ached after shifting your body, leaning back to avoid the sharp edge of the knight’s weapon. You let out a huff as you dropped on the ground, jolting when Reiner called for you to stay alert. Seeing the glint of his sword, you rolled away and the pain on your ankle flared, even more, traveling through your calf. It also didn’t help that you received a cut on the side of your bandaged arm. You picked yourself up despite the throbbing pain on your ankle and arm, now being on the defensive as Reiner continuously struck you with his sword. He then circled his weapon around yours, throwing your sword on the side and pushing you to the ground with the tip of his weapon. That was the time where your ankle finally twisted into a sprain.

“Ah!”

“Princess?” Reiner’s tone became alarmed, dropping to your level and taking off your boots in an instant. His hands ghosted around your swollen ankle, not knowing what to do. “Gods, Annie’s going to kill me!”

“Annie?” You asked between pants. “What does this have to do with her?”

He only shook his head, carrying you in his arms and into the palace. His steps were hurried and the maids gasped at the sight of your red ankle. “Please prepare a bucket of ice and bring it to Princess [Name]’s private chambers.” He turned to you. “Hang on for a moment, Your Highness, we’re nearing your room. Just a little bit more.” Reiner entered your room and gently placed you on your bed. “I’m going to be taking off your other shoe, Your Highness.”

“Reiner, I think I’ll take it from here.”

Reiner stiffened, slowly turning his head to the entrance of your private chambers. Annie was impatiently standing with a bucket of ice in both hands, eyes glacially set on the blonde man kneeling on the floor in front of your confused form. She didn’t care if Reiner trembled in front of her. She vividly remembered telling the knight to never hurt you (she didn’t see the cut you had last training session because Annie was in another court meeting involving the incoming tax collection of various villages). Annie glanced at your ankle, barely grimacing at the state of it before gesturing for Reiner to get out of the room. The large blonde man took his leave, bowing at the two of your hastily and closing the doors with finality.

Annie mimicked Reiner’s position, kneeling in one knee to place your injured foot on her thigh. She didn’t wear any dresses for the day and it made her look dashing. The image implanted itself in your brain. Her hands are gentle against your skin, your cheeks flaring at the contact. Her features were contorted in a downturned one that showed how bothered she was. 

“How did this happen?”

Your eyes settled on the top drawer of your nightstand. “I dodged Reiner’s blow and I twisted my ankle in the process.”

“You should be more careful.”

“I’m always careful.”

Annie scoffed. “That’s clearly obvious.” She said nothing more while dipping your foot in the ice bath. She lifted her head too fast when you winced at the coldness of the water. “Deal with it. We wouldn’t want this to be worse than it already is.”

“Thanks for the concern,” you dryly mentioned.

“What makes you think that my being worried is all fake?” You’re silent, Annie choosing the moment to continue the words she didn’t have any control over. “When the maids prepared this bucket of ice in the kitchens, I was out of the council meeting. When I saw then bringing this up to your chambers, I was alarmed and my mind was a mess of thoughts concerning what happened to you.” At each word, her face held a multitude of emotions that you never saw on her. Her lips became pursed whilst you wordlessly stared at her. “I am not pretending to care for you. How could I pretend when I’m already feeling foreign emotions when it comes to you? It’s my first time feeling this way so I don’t know if I can categorize this as falling in love. But it feels like it. So, for the love of the gods, can’t you see that I’m rambling because of you?”

You didn’t reply, instead, you reached out to the drawer where you kept that ring.

“What are you doing? You should be still right now.”

You pulled out the jewelry box and flipped it open, showing the blonde the ring fashioned in a vine, the centerpiece being a group of small gladiolus flowers with diamonds in their centers. 

Annie’s cheeks reddened, flustered at the pretty jewelry. “What?”

Words never came out of you as you took Annie’s left hand. The ring looked pretty on her, the two of you admiring it after you slid the engagement jewelry in her ring finger.

“I now accept you as my fiancé, my future lover, and holder of my heart. Annie Leonhart, may our eternal spring bloom for centuries, and may your god of the winds bless us with his idyllic ballads.” Annie’s eyes were wide and you can see your reflection on them, along with constellations that lit up her irises. You placed your forehead against hers, looking straight into her flushed face. “They were right, this is the birth of a romance.”

And as you two kissed for the first time, the gods were rejoicing in their thrones, each of your prayers answered — your love finally etched in a whimsical melody.